Is the Fix In on Miss Universe?
From Alderaan to the Crab Nebula, if there is one thing that holds all God's species together it is our faith that the selection of Miss Universe is impartial and free of favoritism. Now that may be in doubt. Information obtained by the Guanabee blog, in an exclusive interview with Michael Schwandt, choreographer of the last four pageants, tells that far from a purely scientific study of the looks, talents and poise of each contestant, one man's preferences may be guiding the outcome of the race. According to Schwandt, the dark hand of Miss Universe owner Donald Trump is in fact at work,behind the curtains, secretly culling the field of pageant thoroughbreds. Apparently, the winnowing of the contest down to its 15 finalists happens not just in the meticulous parading and exhibiting skills viewers across the galaxies watch on TV, but in an Extra Special Private Judging Round in which contestants display themselves for Trump alone. Explaining about Trump's hands-on presence during the rehearsal Schwandt says in the Guanabee interview: Then he does do something that's a bit odd. At all the shows, he pops in the day before the telecast and we line up all the girls in alphabetical order behind microphones. And they say their name, age and country. Then we line them up in alphabetical order in one single file line across the stage. And he basically walks by and has an assistant that takes notes on all the girls. And it's just kind of common knowledge that he picks six of the top fifteen single-handedly. So, the other nine of the top fifteen are judged in a preliminary show the week before and picked by those judges, but he picks six of the top fifteen. The Miss Universe rules however, fail to note the Extra Special Private Judging Round and its impact on the race. They state, in the website's FAQ section: HOW ARE THE SEMI-FINALISTS CHOSEN? In 1997, a dual-paneled judging system was introduced. One panel judges the preliminary rounds; the other panel judges the live telecast. All contestants are judged in three areas of preliminary competition which are not always televised due to time constraints: 1. Interviews - Judges spend time with each delegate to learn about her successes, goals and ambitions. 2. Swimsuit Competition - Each delegate wears one of a variety of swimsuit styles provided by a sponsor. 3. Evening Gown Competition - Each delegate wears a gown she has chosen for herself. All scores are tallied in each of the three categories. The contestants with the highest aggregate scores are named the semi-finalists. The competition is narrowed twice more to produce the winner. HOW ARE THE TITLEHOLDERS AND RUNNERS-UP SELECTED? Once the finalists are named, their scores are discarded, and they begin competing anew. In the final competition, the same three areas (Interview, Swimsuit and Evening Gown) are judged. The judges' scores in these categories are tallied and the winners are named live on the air. Further, according to the Guanabee... MORE >>
Our Embassy in Afghanistan Is Guarded by Sexually Confused Frat Boys
Wonder what it's like to guard State Department facilities in Kabul? In photos first published by Gawker, security contractors get their kicks peeing on one another, simulating anal sex, doing "butt shots," and "eating potato chips out of ass cracks." These photos were provided to us by the Project on Government Oversight, which has just written a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton detailing its investigation into the "Lord of the Flies environment" that has overtaken the private contractors who guard State Department employees in Kabul, Afghanistan. According to POGO, employees of ArmorGroup North America—a unit of contracting giant Wackenhut—get their jollies off by "deviant hazing [that] has created a climate of fear and coercion, with those who declined to participate often ridiculed, humiliated, demoted, or even fired." What sort of hazing? The traditional desperately homoerotic frat boy kind, mostly involving eating and drinking things off of other men's butts. Also some nipple-biting, as you can see below. One POGO whistle blower described it thusly [PDF link]: "They have a group of sexual predators, deviants running rampant over there. No, they are not jamming guys in the ass per say [sic], but they are showing poor judgenment [sic]." Most of it appears to have been voluntary, but those who didn't really want to drink vodka shots out of the clenched butt-cheeks of their male co-workers were penalized and reported barricading themselves in their rooms. And sometimes the behavior extended to the locals: An Afghan national employed as a food service worker at the guard corps' base at Camp Sullivan submitted a signed statement dated August 16, 2009, attesting that a guard force supervisor and four others entered a dining facility on August 1, 2009, wearing only short underwear and brandishing bottles of alcohol. Upon leaving the facility, the guard force supervisor allegedly grabbed the Afghan national by the face and began abusing him with foul language, saying, "You are very good for fXXXing." The Afghan national reported that he "was too afraid of them I could not tell them any thing." So anyway, these are the people who are guarding our national security in Afghanistan, being paid vast multiples of what soldiers, sailors, and marines get with your tax dollars. Are these guys asking, or telling? [Via Mother Jones.] MORE >>
Fat or Thin, Mary-Kate Just Can't Win
Remember the prolonged outrage-masked-as-concern over Mary-Kate Olsen's shrinking body? Well, it's back, but this time its directed toward her fleshy frame. What's the poor thing gotta do to keep the tabloids off her back? Australian tab New Weekly has a cover with the star looking like she's put on a few pounds. Given all that talk of anorexia a few years ago, you'd think that would be good, right? Wrong! The caption looks forward to the day she gets "healthy." Just last Wednesday Star also did the "Mary-Kate is fat" story, calling her weight gain shocking and saying "bye-bye billion dollar looks, hello bloat." Star has a long history of railing on Mary-Kate's weight. It started in 2004, when they ran a cover saying she was too thin because of drugs. They finally believed the actress' claims of anorexia in 2007 (see cover above), but did so by chastising her "stick thin legs" and wondering what is the best way to get her back to health. Then, in 2008, they did an about face, saying she's headed back to rehab because of drinking and drugs. There are really only six stories in a gossip glossy: diet (either too skinny or too fat), drugs, boyfriends, weddings, pregnancy and deaths. So just wait, they're soon going to say that the "bloat" is from drugs or bulimia or pregnancy or (gasp) all three! Maybe if everyone wasn't so obsessed with what she's eating, her weight would even itself out naturally. Why not go after Jonah Hill. He's overweight and probably much more in danger of a heart attack than Mary-Kate is in danger of anything other than wearing a bad outfit. MORE >>
Twitter 'Investigative' Journalism 101: The Syllabus
When we read this morning that a Chicago Tribune intern would be teaching a journalism school class on "investigative" Twitter use, our jaws hit the floor. But then the intern/professor in question sent us a copy of the class syllabus. And we still don't know what the hell to make of this bold vision of the news media future. But we're intrigued, to say the least, about how the class, well — evolves? is that the right word? — traditional journalism practices. It's worth noting that DePaul University doesn't use the word "investigative," referring to the class officially as "Journalism 520: Digital Editing: From Breaking News to Tweets." The instructor, DePaul alum and academic overachiever Craig Kanalley, has wisely leveraged the class into free content for his startup website, Breaking Tweets, which aggregates Twitter posts originating from global hotspots. Students will contribute frequently to the site, bookmarking tweets and contributing a few paragraphs of context. Some highlights: Week 1 includes "basics of WordPress and QuoteURL." Week 2 has "SEO [Search Engine Optimization], lede, and headline-writing." Week 3 teaches "finding sources on Twitter for different topics" (shh, do not tell the slow students about search.twitter.com, you'll blow the curve!). Week 4 includes a "small group gatekeeping exercise" (dodge ball in the courtyard!). Week 5 will have discussion of "What is a citizen journalist" (FINALLY this issue is discussed in an academic and/or news media context.) By Week 6, it's time for the midterm: "Breaking news exercise, create a post on deadline." Sorry, this probably isn't a 140-character Twitter post, but rather an aggregation of several Twitter posts. START SWEATING NOW. "All posts must include at least five compelling tweets." SOURCING. The syllabus, which follows in full below, is easy to mock, as is the whole notion of a Twitter class. But unlike a traditional j-school course on, say, magazine layout, this one actually might eventually provide students some return on their precious tuition dollars. And it's not like American journalists know how to exploit Twitter and other new technologies on their own; judging from the behavior of their newspapers, they are, collectively, clueless when left to their own devices. Maybe when Kanalley's teaching term is up he can take his show on the road, going newsroom to newsroom and re-educating staff on such fundamentals as "Potential business models... marketing techniques... creating a new site with a specific target audience." Click the images for readable, larger versions. (Top image: by Jonny Goldstein) MORE >>
Joe Francis' Planet's-Most-Loathsome Campaign Gets Underway
Joe Francis' storied career has been the Wal-Mart of slime: something to offend the whole family. Tax evasion, child exploitation, assaulting the press — he's got bargains in every aisle. Some wondered, what's left? But Francis has topped himself. Beating up a Playboy Playmate at a popular Hollywood nightclub, would seem a mountain too high to climb, even for a cretin of Francis' caliber. But this week, he is accused of pulling a bunny out of the proverbial hat in the Loathsome Olympics and doing just that. The fun started on Friday night when reality tv hero/Paris-posse-clinger Brody Jenner twittered the following: Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!... How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of shit Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him? In an interview that night with TMZ, Jenner claimed that he and his girlfriend, former Playmate Jayde Nicole, had been watching the Girls Gone Wild kingpin hitting persistently on a woman at Hollywood's Guys and Dolls nightclub. When the pair felt his attentions had gone overboard, Nicole apparently threw a drink in Francis' face. According to Jenner, Francis then "pulled Jayde's hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her." Francis disputed the account in an interview with MTV News saying, "I would never hit a girl in my life." He continued: This was an unprovoked attack," Francis said. "The security-camera footage pretty much confirms my account of the events entirely. ... I was talking with a friend of mine. I got punched in the back and then all of a sudden, [Jayde] poured a drink, and then a glass hits me in the head. I turned around. I reached over. I see it's a girl, the head of the girl. I wanted to turn her head around. I grabbed her hair, and the next thing I know, my shirt's being ripped. I'm punched in the face. I go into the submissive ball until the whole thing gets settled down." Today, Nicole has fired, issuing a statement basically saying, you did too beat me up. Her spokesman - and yes, all Playmates do have spokesmen - reiterated, "On Friday August 28 at approximately 1:20 A.M., Jayde Nicole was the victim of a violent assault when she was attacked from behind, thrown down to the ground by her hair, and beaten in the face and body in front of multiple witnesses by a person identified as Joe Francis." Nicole is refraining from further comment as she claims to be cooperating with the police investigation of the incident. MORE >>
In Praise of Television's Bad Mothers
While we weren't loving last night's uneven season finale of Weeds, we were loving Nancy Botwin's parenting skills—or lack thereof. Who wants to be raised by a boring stroller-pusher when you can have someone to bring the crazy? Bad mothers are like unhappy families, no two are alike, but they are all a whole lot of fun to watch. Not only do they propel several televisions shows, but they will create fucked up kids, and without fucked up kids, where are we going to get our artists, serial killers, fameballs, and future Rock of Love cast members? Here's to the women who are more about lies, drugs, and promiscuity rather than homework, bed times, and grounding. Nancy Botwin Why She's Bad: She's an unstable drug dealer who is more concerned with keeping herself alive and getting laid than her children's well being. Worst Parenting Moment: Younger son Shane gets shot when a Mexican drug cartel tries to execute Nancy. Reasons to Love Her: She knows how to keep things interesting, and she's populated her children's lives with a cast of memorable characters. And she lets her kids drink, do drugs, and have sex while inappropriately young. She's going to be a great subject for Silas' memoir. Most Fucked Up Kid: Shane, an alcoholic, masochistic teenage killer. Fun Scale: 9 Mother's Day Present: Starbuck's gift certificate. Susan Meyer Why She's Bad: This desperate housewife pays more attention to her love life than her kids. Older daughter Julie was more the voice of wisdom than Susan ever was, or will be. Worst Parenting Moment: Her young son MJ almost getting killed by a mad man. Reasons to Love Her: Susan is the mom-as-friend that you always wanted. She would fret and frown and put her foot down, but she'll always let you get away with your dastardly deeds and do whatever you want. Most Fucked Up Kid: MJ is going to have some serious Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his most recent ordeal. Fun Scale: 8 Mother's Day Present: A copy of He's Just Not That Into You Nora Walker Why She's Bad: She's the type of mother that refuses to see her children's faults and will therefore let them get away with anything, and help them to do it. However, her instincts to meddle are almost unbearable and she's unhealthily involved in her adult children's lives. Like all the other Walker brothers and sisters, she likes to keep secrets. Worst Parenting Moment: Almost giving recovering addict son Justin a fix. Reasons to Love Her: Who doesn't want a mom to tell you that you're great no matter what? And if you can't call up your mom to gossip, why bother to call at all. Most Fucked Up Kid: Unrepentant embezzler Tommy. Fun Scale: 5 Mother's Day Present: An iPhone. Betty Draper Why She's Bad: In a show full of mad men, she's a mad woman; your classic frosty '60s housewife who is June Cleaver on the outside and Sylvia Plath on the inside. Her children are like another accessory in her home, ones she can't connect to emotionally. Worst Parenting Moment: Locking her... MORE >>
Seven Celebrities Who Should Get on Twitter Right Now
Twitter's all about self-promotion. This we know. MC Hammer knows that, too, and apparently has been quite successful at it, which explains why Gravity Summit invited him to keynote this week's social media conference at Harvard. For those of you who don't know, Gravity Summit describes itself as a "bridge" between social networking media and business leaders. Basically, it smacks business leaders upside the head and tells them to use Facebook, Twitter and all those other sites to help make money. We're not sure what kind of money MC Hammer makes these days, but he has amassed more than 1.3 million followers on Twitter. Perhaps it's because of his reality show, perhaps it's because of his camp value — regardless, people are getting regular updates about his happenings. And he knows what that means: there has to be a way "to sell those people something." Indeed. That's why we've compiled a list of seven famous people from all walks who would be well-advised to get their tweets in gear to sell something, reclaim their formerly glorious profile or simply satisfy our selfish desires. First up, Pete Rose. The former coach of the Cincinnati Reds was banned from baseball for betting on his own team. Pretty shitty. And against the rules. There were rumors recently that the ban, which prevents him from Hall of Fame entry, would be lifted, but those rumors were put to rest by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. If Rose were to get himself online and sell himself to the masses — maybe, just maybe he can get back into America's good graces. Remember Michael Alig? Alig, the club kid who became infamous for killing his drug dealer and hacking him into tiny little bits, used to know about all the trends. (And, more importantly, be known all over town.) If he could somehow convince prison officials to grant him internet access, Alig could get a tidy online following ahead of his scheduled March 2010 release. Oh, Burt Reynolds. He was hot, then not, then hot again and now, well, he's appearing in Not Another Not Another Movie. Sad. Now, Burt actually has a twitter page, but it hasn't been updated since November 25, 2008. For shame! One of the keys to Twitter is regularity. Considering the inactivity in your career, we're sure you have time. Go forth and tweet! Okay, let us explain: most of the people on this list are infamous for one reason or another. Jo Beth Williams, the star of Poltergeist I, its sequel, The Big Chill and many other wonderful movies, is not necessarily infamous. Nor is she as famous as she should be: the most recent thing in which we saw her was an E! special on horrific Hollywood murders, on which she discussed poor Dominique Dunne (Dominick's daughter, who was strangled by an estranged boyfriend). Yes, there are other projects, but there should be more! Rather than focusing on regularity, she should instead use Twitter to spread her political and/or cultural views. We suggest she start with a memory from her former soap, the... MORE >>
Showtime Falls Back Into Lesbian Drama (And This Time It's Real)
First gay housewives, now lesbian housewives? We've seen everything. Or, we will, because Showtime picked up nine episodes of a new Sapphic reality show. Yay! It's title? Not so new: The L-Word: Los Angeles. So, yes, Showtime and Ilene Chaiken, creator of the lesbian soap The L Word, have again teamed up to pipe even more lesbian drama into America's homes. They're being mum on the details, so we're offering some of our own: Considering that Chaiken will be a part of the show, there's no doubt in our mind that some lesbian power couple will be included. Ellen and Portia are way above such antics, but we would settle for Jamie Babbit and Andrea Sperling, who brought us But I'm a Cheerleader and, yes, worked on a few episodes of The L Word. Plus, the couple has two children, so we can all get a "two mommies" moment. While we're on the subject of Hollywood's lesbian machine, how about inviting Top Gun actress Kelly McGillis to appear? She just came out and that always brings drama. It would be good for Chaiken to include a young dykette. Sure, she may not fit the "housewives" criteria, but you know how the lesbians love to take a youngin' under their wing and help them fly. Maybe McGillis can be the teacher. Now, we know this isn't likely, but we'll bring it up anyway: The L Word was great both for its over-the-top drama and its unabashed lesbian sex. We're sure there won't be any sexxx scenes on this new show. Titties, however, are definitely encouraged. Maybe a lesbian stripper trying to make it as a singer? We would also settle for a lesbian stand-up comic. Who shows her titties. We also envision a butch dyke worker who has a hot-ass wife who spends her days on Rodeo Drive shopping and getting her nails just right. Also, a woman with a really girly profession, like secretary or teacher. Please, please don't have anything centering around the gay and lesbian community center. Yes, we're glad they exist and all, but they're a total drag. And the lighting's always so hetero. No fat chicks. (Ha! We kid, of course. Don't hurt us!) MORE >>
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