Astronauts, Robots, French Ladies and Michael Moore to Invade Theaters this Weekend
We're in a bit of a cranky mood looking over this weekend's releases. A lot of heat but not much light, is the vibe we're getting. Actually maybe not that much heat either. But hey, Sorority Row is still playing. Pandorum The Story: Two astronauts wake up on a space ship to find they can not remember why they are there. And a monster is attacking them. The Pitch: Alien meets Momento Who It's For: Screamers; people with other things they can do during the movie. Cause for Hope: Remarkably, stars Dennis Quaid; films set on a space ship get an automatic gentleman's C. Cause for Concern: Produced by Paul WS Resident Evil Anderson. Residual Cause for Hope: Produced by not directed by Anderson Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 2 SURROGATES trailer in HD Surrogates The Story: In the future, people live life through robot versions of themselves. But when someone starts killing the robots, future cop Bruce Willis must investigate. The Pitch Westworld meets Streets of San Francisco Who It's For: Nerds who like to dream about having sex with robots. Cause for Hope: Director Jonathan Mostow helmed that better-than-expected Terminator 3. Cause for Concern: You've probably seen every single frame of this film in four to twelve other movies. Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 3 Fame The Story: The kids of Performing Arts High dare to dream. The Pitch: Fame meets High School Musical Who It's For: Every aspiring dance crew in America. Cause for Hope: Stars So You Think You Can Dance's Kherington Payne. Cause for Concern: The sound of Bruno Martelli and Alan Parkers' ghosts crying out in agony will haunt your dreams forever. Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 7 (It's the song. We can't help ourselves.) Capitalism: A Love Story The Story: That lovable cut-up Michael Moore is back, this time poking fun at everyone's favorite economic paradigm: capitalism. The Pitch::Michael Moore meets Michael Moore with a bit of Michael Moore thrown in for good measure. Who It's For: The already converted. Cause for Hope: If this is your cup of tea, your cup will runneth over. Cause for Concern: The hammer fell off the sledgehammer Moore uses to write his jokes. Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 5 Brief Interviews with Hideous Men The Story: A researcher decides to study mens' desires in a series of taped interviews. The Pitch: My Dinner With Andre meets High Fidelity Who It's For: People who like to be seen thinking big thoughts. Cause for Hope: It can't actually last forever. Cause for Concern: David Foster Wallace, the big screen version! The Office's Jim trying to outrun his day job. Did he mention he went to Brown? Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 2 Coco Before Chanel The Story: Headstrong young Coco dreams of shaking up fashion. The Pitch:: La Vie en Rose meets Devil Wears Prada Who It's For: Those who like to swoon to period design. Cause for Hope: Looks harmlessly charmante. Cause for Concern: Isn't this why God invented made for cable movies? Gawker Enthusio-Meter: 5 I Hope The Serve Beer in Hell The... MORE >>
Project Runway: Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged
Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make a great costume, the delusion the judges won't call it costumey. The vision to have judges in the first place, the delusion that they will show up. Ugh, don't even get us started on Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. They are the laziest people on all of reality television and that includes the dolts on Big Brother who have nothing to do but lie around in a house for three months and pick stupid fights with each other. Instead, let us focus on the positive, because last night was the second good episode in a row! We've finally gotten to the point where most of the dead weight is gone and there is time to learn about the designers and who they are and how they work. The producers also came up with another good challenge, even though it was of the "go to Mood and buy the fabric" variety, at least everyone had to work within a movie genre. Designers had to make an outfit for a character in an imaginary film and come up with a silly story for who their character was. Considering a noted fashion designer once told us that the inspiration for his collection that season was "a bohemian girl's aristocratic grandmother dies and she goes to the estate house she just inherited and throws a huge part for all her friends," this could come in handy in the real world. Things We Hated: The Fucking Judges: OK, now we're getting started. Ms. Kors and NGFDMCM didn't show up again. This is Nina's third consecutive absence and Ms. Kors has been gone since the fourth episode of season three. Here is why this is pissing me off this week. All Runway fans were a little wary of this season, on a new network and by new producers. We were talking about how it was going to suck and how it would be all different before the season even aired. We needed our bitchy guides to help us navigate our way through the storm. And where are they? They're not here! We are adrift. And if the people who work for this show can't be bothered to show up for it, then why the hell should we? Let's just give up like Queen Tangerine and his bitchy lady in waiting. We can always watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta instead and Nene wouldn't give up being on camera for a whole mountain of leprechaun's gold. Vice Principal Glassner: I did not have to look up Zoe Glassner's name or how to spell it this week. That annoyed me. Also, she is boring. Same goes for John Varvatos, who is supposed to be the rock 'n' roll designer, but he was more like an ambient trance remix of an Air Supply song. Fat Kurt Cobain: Nicolas is slimy. He is gross and slimy and he talks shit about the other contestants. We usually love that, but when he does it, it sort of feels like he's the shifty guy in prison who thinks he's so much better than everyone even though his fat face and limp hair look just as bad in an orange jumpsuit. Collier Strong: Every year the makeup man comes to work his wonders. We do not like him because... MORE >>
Barack Obama's Eerie, Frozen Grimace Will Haunt Your Dreams
This video from Eric Spiegelman compresses 130 sequentially taken photographs of Barack Obama with visiting foreign dignitaries Wednesday during the U.N. meeting into 20 seconds. His smile is immobile and identical in each one. It is creepy. [Via Politico.] MORE >>
Barista Prostitution Sting Stuns Washington State Espresso Purists
Police in Everett, Wash., have broken up a prostitution ring operating out of an espresso stand. The baristas were the prostitutes. Welcome to the future. From the Everett Daily Herald: Five baristas are accused of engaging in prostitution at an Everett bikini espresso stand following a two-month undercover police investigation into complaints that the women were selling more than coffee. Detectives say the women were charging up to $80 to strip down and flash customers while fixing lattes and mochas. Investigators saw the women expose their crotches, lick whipped cream off their co-workers' private parts and pose naked for pictures inside the Grab-n-Go Espresso stand at 8015 Broadway, according to police reports obtained by The Herald on Wednesday. Yes, it is called Grab-n-Go Espresso. The arrests were the result of a two-month undercover investigation into complaints about prostitution at "various bikini coffee stands around the Everett area." Two things of note: 1) There are bikini coffee stands, and 2) More than one of them have generated complaints that they are actually espresso stands/whorehouses. The detectives singled out the Grab-n-Go because it had generated the most complaints, and probably because the name was just too much. More from the Herald: An Everett detective took a city prosecutor to the stand to witness firsthand the activities of the baristas. During that visit, two women allegedly engaged in a "whipped cream show" in which they sprayed whipped cream on each other and licked it off. [snip] Detectives say the women also charged customers to play "basketball" - a game in which customers were allowed to throw waded up money at the women, who caught the money in their underpants. No word on whether the baristas' defense attorneys got their degrees from the Wal-Mart School of Law. We're gonna go grab a coffee now. UPDATE: Apparently this is a thing. A commenter points us to a site that compiles all the "bikini baristas" coffee shops for your convenience. The latest addition: Sweet Cheeks Espresso in Des Moines, Wash. MORE >>
America's New Public Enemy: Tail of the Rat
It was once fashionable to hate hipsters. Then they all became yuppies and successfully suppressed our collective rage. Until now. Though I once swore I would never do such a thing, I'm about to move to Williamsburg. It's tragic, yes, but I have no choice: relationships do that to you. Anyway, it was once cool to hate on all of the upper-class lowlifes who populate the area and appropriated white trash style, but that set has been neutralized by babies and real jobs. But, sadly, there's a new crop. And they're even worse! Now that that generation has grown up and many of us thought — or hoped — that the hipster nightmare had ended, but that was simply naive. There's now a new generation of post-grad masses and, if you can believe it, they're sporting something even more disgusting than von Dutch fashions: a rattail. (And, yes, even its spelling's annoying.) Once the hairstyle of choice for rednecks and unwashed losers, the rattail has found new life in New York City's cheaper boroughs. And it must stop! Rattails are a threat to America — and not just for the negative aesthetic value. This nation, however maligned, remains an international beacon, and it's up to the country's youth to maintain the world's US-loving order. Rattails do no such thing. They make the country look weak and hickish. And weak, hickish countries get invaded. Just look at Iraq. So, if America falls, it's your fault, bedraggled, so-called ironic hipster. If you ever cared about this once great nation, get a real haircut and stop embarrassing your parents – and the rest of us. If you hate this country, carry on and trust that we will file well-deserved treason charges. You've been warned. Image via woodsm's flickr. MORE >>
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