The New York Times Discovers Penis Pumps
While America's medical debates rage on, many of its significant members, of all colors and sizes, limply, quietly weep to themselves: penises. But! This is one health care package making serious progress: flaccid penises demand innovation, as the Times discovered. In tomorrow's Health section will be an article by one Ms. Lesley Alderman, whose wide, circumspect research deeply penetrates one of the key mysteries of the universe: how to further solve the problem of a limp dick. Those Viagra pills are too expensive! At $15 a pop, we learn, science has been forced to come up with alternatives. Like a so-called "penis pump", or a "vacuum erection device," Alderman writes. Behold the future: It works like this: you place a tube on the penis and then pump the air out of the tube, which pulls blood into the penis. When the penis is erect, you then put a snug ring around the base to maintain the erection, which lasts long enough to have sex. The cost for the device, which requires a prescription, can run from $300 to $600, but most insurers and Medicare will cover part of the cost and the device should last for years. Even if you spend $300 out of pocket and use the device once a week, you'll be spending much less per year than on pills or injections. You can also buy a nonprescription pump online (even Amazon carries some) for as little as $30, Dr. McCullough said. A non-prescription penis pump, you say? Available for your average consumer? Science is incredible. When you're not inflating your penis with a Medicare-purchased vacuum erection device - which, it should be noted, is different than an average house vacuum, sans attachment - you can give "self-administered injections of alprostadil" a shot. Literally. It's a drug that helps blood vessels expand, and you mainline it straight into your procreation device with a hypodermic needle. Let's face it: there's no greater turn-on than a penis shot right before some good, sweet loving. Especially if you're high on Meth. The New York Times neglects to inform you that this innovation was preceded by AC/DC almost 20 years ago in the 1990 classic, "Shot of Love." But the best way to regard upkeep of penises (or the keeping up of) is, as always, living a healthy lifestyle: "Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke," says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco..."There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction with lifestyle changes," says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the Center for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic. Great news for everyone but AC/DC, whose engorged testicles could get in the way of hopping on the treadmill. Otherwise, you, too, can begin your firm commitment to your penis, today. As with everything, exercise is tragically, sadly the final answer. MORE >>
Glenn Beck Finally Admits: "I'm Just A Fear Mongering Whatever."
Calling Glenn Beck an easy target's calling a spade out by its raw materials. Duck tests of his M.O. are so painfully obvious, even he's openly talking about it now. Contained herein: Psychiatrists, bullies, his Heavenly Father, and attackers! Consider this particular segment Glenn Beck's victory lap. Via Media Matters, Beck, who's kicking ass in the ratings, whether he's gearing up to be canned or not, took out his infamous whiteboard, went over all the things everyone's ever called him, and talked to a psychiatrist friend of his about it. Yes: Glenn Beck has a friend, who is a shrink, who can stand to be around him without suggesting inpatient help. Wonder what his hourly rate is. Notably, the names Beck has been called have probably helped his rise to infamy. He's built a career on being an easy target, so why stop here? But when he gets to the last name on his list, there's a sigh of exasperation, a sound of disturbed relief to get the words out. In 1972, two other shrinks named Shelly Duval and Robert A. Wicklund put forth a self-awareness theory in which they argue that people adhere to their own conceptions of themselves. It still rings true today. In other words: buckle in. Beck's a guy who clearly sees himself as a martyr. His high ratings paired with his perceived all-ends criticism, recent loss of ad sales, and possible position in front of Fox's firing squad, is about to get a shitton crazier. The legacies of Howard Beale and maybe even—but let's hope not—Budd Dwyer ring frighteningly true. They could eventually have someone new amongst their ranks, and above all others, that guy could be Glenn Beck. Once he learns how to spell, he may be unstoppable: MORE >>
Ted Kennedy's Funeral: Photos, Screengrabs, And Tweets
Ted Kennedy's funeral is underway, and so is the full court press barrage of media. Obama's delivering his remarks now. What do attendees, Twitter, Free Republic, and others have to say? MSNBC is carrying the live feed of the funeral. [Top photo credit: CJ Gunther/Getty Images] The nice thing about this photo? Ted Kennedy would've made a great joke about it. [Nice work, Brian Snyder of Getty Images] Widow Victoria Kennedy, mourning. [Photo credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images] California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, married to Kennedy's niece, Maria Shriver. He used the same face at the end of Junior. [Photo credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images] Jack Nicholson doesn't need your stinkin' fashionably late arrival. He's pictured here wondering if this is as good as it gets. [Photo credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images] Nancy Pelosi continues the Democratic powerhouse parade through the funeral. She's pictured here hugging Angela Menino, the wife of Boston's mayor, Thomas Menino. [Photo Credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images.] Obama just eulogized Kennedy as the "soul of the democratic party." His complete remarks can be read at Daily Kos. A highlight, after Obama called him the "Greatest Legislator Of Our Time": Teddy walked into a meeting with a plain manila envelope, and showed only the Chairman that it was filled with the Texan's favorite cigars. When the negotiations were going well, he would inch the envelope closer to the Chairman. When they weren't, he would pull it back. Before long, the deal was done. Ted Kennedy Jr. spoke about sailing with his father. "My father taught me that even our profound losses are survivable," is going to be the pullquote line from his eulogy. [Photo Credit Jewel Samad / AFP / Getty] The classy commenters are Free Republic are comparing the Kennedys to the Ku Klux Klan, naturally. John McCain doesn't seem too upset to be at a funeral. It's his birthday! [Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images] Speaking of which, "Columnist for TheDailyBeast.com/Writer," one Meghan McCain, is in a celebratory mood. Mediaite noted that coverage is dominating the airwaves. Well, yes. This is the face of a man who has nothing better to do these days than suppress farts, as he's pictured doing now. [Credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images] Good thing there's someone to scold him. [Credit: Brian Snyder/Getty Images] Kennedy was described as a lover of music. Yo Yo Ma performed, CNN has video. MORE >>
Click here to safely unsubscribe now from "Gawker: Top Stories" or change your subscription or subscribe
| Your requested content delivery powered by FeedBlitz, LLC, 9 Thoreau Way, Sudbury, MA 01776, USA. +1.978.776.9498 |
No comments:
Post a Comment