The Ten Most Important Moments of the Michael Jackson Memorial Mess
Well, that was both horrifying and depressing. The Michael Jackson Public Memorial has lurched to a close and, to paraphrase a commenter, we feel like we've been underwater for hours. Messy and strange, let's remember the remembrance. The creepy gold casket was wheeled in and the oddness began. Old pal Stevie Wonder sang a sad, fitting song. Legendary producer Berry Gordy, who helped work young Michael to the bone when he was hoofing it in the Jackson 5, called Jackson the "greatest entertainer that's ever lived." Hm. Al Sharpton stirringly, if inaccurately, told Jackson's children that there "wun't nothing strange about your daddy." Sigh. Jackson's childhood pal Brooke Shields tearfully recounted their shared bond over being children in the spotlight. Though, unfortunately, her constant mentioning of kids and little princes struck an awkward chord. A crazy congresslady from Texas wandered up on stage and said that she wished she was a Jackson and that Michael was totally innocent of all those creepy charges. Magic Johnson came up and told a few stories. But mostly he just plugged Kentucky Fried Chicken. R&B singer Urrrsher won the award for Most Classless of the day, by wearing sunglasses and pretending to cry. Usher, you were never a good actor, so why try and finally go for the teary clip reel at a funeral of all places? Toward the end, a bunch of escaped mental patients were brought on to sing a "Heal the World"/"We Are the World" World Medley that left everyone looking awkward and ashamed, except for a few of Jackson's grasping brothers, who just seemed thrilled to be on stage. In a chilling final moment, Jackson's rarely-seen daughter Paris tearfully said she loved her father and that he was great. In a haunting evocation of a cycle continuing to grind on, her aunt Janet fixed her hair and dotingly but firmly told her "Speak up, honey. Speak up." It was pretty much devastating. So, that was that. An odd mess of a thing—part exciting, part sad, but mostly confusing. Fitting, then, for a life lived bizarrely and publicly, a life that needed a new word for famous, a life that, in many ways, really ended and disappeared many years ago. This whole event just felt perfunctory, as if no one could imagine MJ going out without a bang, but weren't really sure how to make the appropriate gesture. So it was just a mash of things, of different tones and styles. And then it ended, abruptly and strangely, leaving us all to ponder what it was exactly that we'd just seen. Image via Getty MORE >>
The Crowdsourced Celebrity Gay List
Crowds may be wise, but they're not necessarily savvy. Witness this online poll, where the first 2,500 respondents have deemed Mario Lopez flamingly gay, while Kevin Spacey and Vin Diesel get loads of votes as straight. Lopez might act in a Broadway musical and take off his shirt a lot, but that doesn't make him gay. At least they got Zachary Quinto, who doesn't keep his personal life much of a secret, correct. How about a do-over with just the people who got Spacey right? Or you can just have at it in the comments. (Chart by Julia Schweizer and Nick Denton.) MORE >>
Sarah Palin Continues Her Brutal War on the Media
Not content with ruining the Fourth of July weekends of dozens of cable-news personalities and producers, Sarah Palin followed up by dragging poor Andrea Mitchell and a bunch of other saps to some godforsaken fishing hole in Alaska last night. On almost no notice, Palin convened a late-night press availability in a remote fishing village in western Alaska for NBC News, CNN, ABC News, and Fox News in order to further obfuscate her already thoroughly inscrutable rationale(s?) for quitting her shitty job as governor of some crap state that's not even connected to the real America. The interviews were a postmodern clusterfuck of epic proportions—a governor and her family on a desolate beach in the Alaskan wilderness, wearing waders and a lapel mic, surrounded by camera crews and sleep-deprived network news personalities. ABC News' Kate Snow got in Mitchell's shot at one point. Even though the sun was shining, it was really 10 p.m. in Alaska, because time doesn't work there the way it does in the real world. The gambit guaranteed that between the travel and time spent editing and doing live shots for the morning shows, the reporters didn't get any sleep last night. Palin is shaping up to be something like The Joker of the political-media complex: Turning up at unexpected times with bizarre stunts designed to make everyone extremely uncomfortable, and then cackling a lot and speaking in riddles. It seems clear that last night's interview was just a dry run to see if she could get folks to fall for a trap—next time it's a hostage crisis. So what did we learn this time around? "One term was enough." Too much, Sarah. One term was too much. "[Fishing] teaches the kids not to be divas." That one was offered without prompting. She's like an 8-year-old who thinks she can trick her parents into buying her a pony or something. People who don't understand why she quit "might not be fully aware of all the conditions" of her job. Like how hard it is. "You know why they're confused? I guess they can't take something nowadays at face value." Sarah Palin's "career" thus far represents the triumph of convincing people to take things at face value. It's the only value she has. "Most public officials, they get to look into a camera and they say, you know, 'You better leave your hands off my kids!' And I haven't been able to say that." Because David Letterman is still statutory-raping your daughter, Sarah, as we speak. "The fish slime and the dirt under the fingernails—the stuff that is me." Well put! MORE >>
Liveblogging the Michael Jackson Memorial
Michael Jackson died. And today is the huge, public memorial clusterfuck. On this post we'll be sharing, in the comments, our reactions to the event as it unfolds on every television network ever. Join us! The memorial itself starts at 1 p.m., and, oh, just because we're watching ABC doesn't mean you shouldn't watch other networks. We like the sick joke of ABC being owned by Disney, but there might be other, better, more-over-the-top coverage. Let us know in the comments! So keep it R-rated and have fun and we'll see you out there. MORE >>
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