Why The Ladies Should Love Megan Fox
So now that the Potter kids are on top, it's likely that news about our favorite over-boiled sex pot Megan Fox will take a backseat to the prim Emma Watson. And that's sad. It's a pity because we should all like Megan Fox! Some people love her the way you'd love your racist Granpa. Like she says enough crazy shit for you love her in a bemused/horrifying sort of way. But Megan Fox is legitimately awesome because she knows exactly what she is: a real life version of a slutty Halloween costume. And she makes no bones (heh) about it! She has repeatedly stated that her job is to be attractive. Unlike, say Scarlett Johansson who peddles sex the same way Fox does but tries to gussy it up with Tom Waits cover albums and erudite interviews. Isn't that infinitely more annoying? Fox's honesty is way more refreshing. Remember when Megan brought it with some real talk about ScarJo? I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson - who I have nothing against - but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want… to do that. You shouldn't, Megan! Because ladies like ScarJo and Natalie Portman, who are both devastatingly beautiful and educated, make Normals like me feel awful. At least with Megs, it's like, yeah maybe my boyfriend is thinking about her when he's on top but at least I could beat her in a game of scrabble, right? And isn't that what boyfriends really want? I mean, REALLY? Also, Megan was a L.U.G. (Lesbian Until Graduation). Well, actually, more of a B.U.G. It's adorable! Even if it's untrue, it's a delight personal yarn that makes for great quotes like: I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl - Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hand. Personal story of the time Megan Fox touched my life: I have done some press junkets and they a festival of terribleness. The studios essentially send celebrities down to the Four Seasons to read a press release, a couple of hacks ask "What was it like to work with robots?" and then it's over. But the couple of times Megs has shown up these she's been chatty, off-topic, vulgar. It's a blast of fresh air. I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared." Awww, don't be Megan, we're here for you. MORE >>
It's Not a Crippling Recession. It's a Learning Experience!
It's a good thing this epic recession is an opportunity to "reset" our culture, as Kurt Andersen tells us, or slough off the chains of corporatism, as per Douglas Rushkoff. Otherwise it would really suck for all the unemployed people. We haven't read Andersen's new book, called Reset, but we got a preview in his essay for Time a few months ago arguing that the economic mess that has one in eight Americans behind on their mortgage payments or in foreclosure is actually a good thing because it could herald a "rediscovery of the common good." Rushkoff makes a similar, if larger, argument in Life, Inc., which makes the case that "the current financial crisis is actually an opportunity to reverse [the] 600-year-old trend" toward corporate domination of the minutiae of our lives. Awesome. The 33 million people currently relying on food stamps [pdf]—up 18% from a year ago—will no doubt feel better about their plight with the knowledge that they can now fight back against "the branding of the self" that Rushkoff bemoans in our corporate culture. Or that "the meltdown and resulting reset might jar the culture" out of the tendency in "art and design and entertainment" toward "compulsively reviving styles and remixing the greatest hits of the past," which has always bugged Andersen. This lemons-to-lemonade theorizing is inevitable and ultimately harmless. And both Rushkoff and Andersen are right that stupidity and navel-gazing and gluttony and complacency got us into this mess, and that it would be a good thing to not be stupid and navel-gazing and complacent. But we're getting tired of hearing cultural and economic evangelizing about the upside of the fact that people literally can't afford to eat from well-heeled, comfortable intellectuals whose book parties probably cost more than the median income in a lot of the decimated towns across this country whose misfortunes they are fetishizing as some kind of return to bedrock values. Andersen writes: It's time to ratchet back our wild and crazy grasshopper side and get in touch with our inner ant, to be more artisan-enterpriser and less prospector-speculator, more heroic Greatest Generation and less self-indulgent baby boomer, to return from Oz to Kansas, to become fully reality-based again.... Yes, we must start spending again, and we will. But we've all known people who, having survived the 1930s, never lost their Depression habits of frugality. And so it will be again. The reason people never lost their Depression habits of frugality is that they saw people starving on the streets, and they were terrified beyond reason that it might happen again. It's true that people learn valuable moral lessons from hardship, but those lessons don't make the hardship a good thing. People learn awful truths in war. That doesn't mean we should have more of them for educational purposes, or that they have an upside. The problem with this finally-we're-getting-back-to-what-matters analysis is that the most... MORE >>
Late-Night Ratings Love Finally Coming to David Letterman
Last week David Letterman posted his largest weekly victory over The Tonight Show since 2000. Last week's Tonight Show posted its smallest audience since Letterman premiered in August 1993. Is Conan turning out to be a disappointment for NBC? Not according to NBC! The network tilts at the numbers because Conan claims higher numbers in the coveted demographic of 18-34 year olds. It's true. But how long can they hold on two those Red Bull swilling Youngs? This isn't some single-time spurt. Letterman's numbers have been surging ever since Conan took over Jay Leno's old gig at the Tonight Show. And Letterman has been steadily narrowing the demographic gap. With the announcement of their Emmy nominations, CBS took the opportunity to gloat. From their "In your face, Conan! In. Your. Face." memo CBS's LATE SHOW beat "The Tonight Show" by its largest margin in viewers since 2000, placed first in adults 25-54 (tie) and narrowed the margin in adults 18-49 opposite Conan O'Brien to just -0.3 of a rating point, according to Nielsen live plus same day ratings for the week ending July 10. LATE SHOW beat "The Tonight Show" in households (2.6/07 vs. 2.0/05, +30%) and viewers (3.68m vs. 2.82m, +30%). It was LATE SHOW's largest margin of victory against an all first-run week of "Tonight Show" broadcasts in both households and viewers since the week ending Feb. 25, 2000 (the week David Letterman returned from heart surgery). LATE SHOW has also closed the gap with "The Tonight Show" in adults 25-54 (1.2/05) to a tie, CBS's closest competitive position since the week ending Dec. 2, 2005 (the week Oprah Winfrey appeared). In adults 18-49 (0.8/04 vs. 1.1/05) , LATE SHOW continued to cut "The Tonight Show's"' lead: -1.4 in Conan O'Brien's premiere week, -0.6 in the week ending June 12, -0.5 in the week ending June 19 and -0.3 in the week ending July 10. Among adults 18-34 (0.5/02 vs. 1.1/05), LATE SHOW has cut "The Tonight Show's" lead from -1.6 in Conan O'Brien's premiere week to -0.6 in the week ending July 10. Last night's broadcast, featuring Sir Paul McCartney, topped "The Tonight Show" by its largest margin since Oct. 16, 2008 (Sen. John McCain's appearance). John McCain and Paul McCartney! Ah, the sweet smell of senility! It's a shame because we prefer the aromas of Conan's locker room late show. [ Deadline Hollywood Daily ] MORE >>
Real World Cancun: Love Conquers Nothing
Ohhh tittery tee! Wittery wee! Blittery bee! Love is in the air in old Cancun, that ancient Spanish settlement of creeping moss and nightclubs the size of airplane hangars. Straights found love, gays found love, everyone found love. Except me. No, I didn't find any love last night (and by last night I mean I just watched it while lying on the couch) but that's OK, I wasn't looking for it anyway. My wines and my Facebooks are alls that I need. But anyway! This isn't about me. This is about the eight Fulbright scholars who were sent to Mexico to do their research on that most elusive of topics: What happens to private parts after you feed them alcohol? Last night they found out. See what you do in Cancrunk is drink. All you ever do is drink. When you are sitting on the toilet in the morning, you drink. When you are walking to the ATM, you drink. When you are staring absentmindedly at a bird as it flutters up in the sky this way and that, so free up there, you drink. When you are being told by your employer not to drink, you drink. The last one is important to remember. See, the kids are in Cancandy to drink, yes, but they are also there to roll up their sleeves, apply some elbow grease, and go about the proletariat work of giving back. Through labor—through sweat and blood and camaraderie—they will till the earth of this nation and collectively make it Good. The president of Mexico, Dr. Speedy Gonzalez Esq., has assigned these eight sons and daughters of the revolution to do what is perhaps the most important task: Shepherd drunken gringos around and try to make sure they don't kill themselves or others. And, actually, I'm hardly being jokey here. That actually is a really big part of Cancun's economy, this thing called Spring Break. So it sort of is a meaningful job. So you'd assume that the Real World kids, individuals chosen for their integrity and wit and grit, would treat such a heady task with the utmost of responsibility, right? Well, hold onto your butts and fasten your knickers, because I'm about to blow your head beans. They don't. They don't take it seriously. See, there are only a few rules one has to follow when working for Student City, the Peabody, MA-based company the children have been conscripted into. Mainly they are: Do not get publicly falling down drunk, whether you're on shift or not. This seems strict, given that it's Cancun, but also fair. The other one is even fairer: Don't fuck any of the clients please. That's a rule they had to create some years back because I'm sure it was happening over and over and over again, and probably like on the first night so the rest of the week was really tense and awkward. These are not crazy rules right? I mean, they're not saying "You cannot step on the sidewalk cracks when it is raining or the first or third Thursday of the month." Or, "Please try not to breathe." They are saying don't be a drunken asshole who plows the customer. Other companies should consider instituting... MORE >>
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner Totally Get to Do It Now
Awww, gross! Heiress and former Apprentice helper Ivanka Trump, 27, has gotten engaged to newspaper-destroying millionaire playboy Jared Kushner, 28. She announced it over Twitter, because that's what people do these days. But what will their parents think?? (Normal this-may-be-a-fake-Twitter-account disclaimers apply) Update: It's real! A rep for Jared just confirmed the news for us. See it's quite possible that the Trumps and the Kushners really don't like each other. Supposedly the Donald is upset because J-rad's dad was in jail for being a shady real estate mogul. And the Kushners didn't like that Ivanka is not, er, of the tribe. But perhaps all is mended now that the pair, who have been together about two years, have proved their commitment to each other and Ivanka has been dutifully becoming a Jew. Aha! And for his part, the Donald has blessed the union, telling Us Weekly: "I'm very happy about it. They make a magnificent couple." A "source" tells that magazine "The ring is stunning!" We believe it. We also now tingle with anticipatory horror thinking about what sort of New York clusterfuck of a wedding these two are going to cobble together. Hopefully they'll announce the date and location with a lot of notice, so we have time to get the hell out of town. Image via Splash MORE >>
The New York Post's 61,000 Manhattan Millionaires March Against Health Care
The New York Post is in high dudgeon over Obama's health plan, blasting a "terrifying" potential 57% "mega-tax" on "successful NYers" under "Obamacare" on the front page. Gosh, that does sound like a lot. Glad we're not successful. Neither are you, by the way. The Post's scaremongering—the bill is a "job-killing" "poi$on pill" that will crush New York's most "dynamic entrepreneurs"—goes on for five-and-a-half paragraphs before we learn exactly what constitutes a "successful New Yorker": Households earning $1 million or more. So, for every dollar those folks earn over $1 million, the combined local, state, and federal taxes under the health care plan would be 57%. Currently, they pay a marginal tax rate of 51.4%. So yes, millionaire New Yorkers will face a scary tax rate. All 61,000 of them. That's how many Manhattan households made more than $1 million as of 2007, according to the Wall Street Journal. And trust us, there are fewer now. And those who remain probably have good tax accountants. For purposes of comparison, there are 738,644 households in Manhattan, with a median income of $63,000. We weep for these few "successful" New Yorkers, really we do. Before you write a comment to the effect of "a million dollars doesn't really go that far in New York," please re-read above where we say that the median income in Manhattan is $63,000, and then reflect on the fact that $63,000 is 6% of 1 million, and on the fact that "median" means that half make more and half make less. MORE >>
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