Maybe Jewish Iranian President Ahmadinejad Now Has Power To Nuke His Guilty Past
Two fun facts on stylish Jersey-Shore-via-Tehran Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1. He might be Jewish. 2. Iran is now definitely capable of producing a working nuclear bomb that could basically wipe his maybe-Yid Israeli relatives out of existence. Fun! As for that first bit of news, we've uncovered an exclusive, an uncomfortable truth about Ahmadinejad yet to be revealed but here, for the first time, right now: he faked his way through his haftorah portion. Kidding! But no, really, he might be a Jew. Commence self-loathing, mother-hating, guilt-ridden jokes in three, two, and... A close-up of the Ahmadinejad's ID reveals that the Iranian leader, who has described the Nazi Holocaust of European Jewry as a "myth," was previously known as Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. The Telegraph said the short note scrawled on the card suggests that his family changed its name to Ahmadinejad when they converted to embrace Islam after his birth. The Sabourjians, according to the report, traditionally hail from Aradan, Ahmadinejad's birthplace, and the name derives from "weaver of the Sabour", the name for the Jewish Tallit shawl in Persia. Fuckin' Jews, indeed! This isn't the first time this accusation has come up, either. The name "Sabourjian" is on a list of reserved names for Iranian Jews by Iran's government. And yes, "experts" are saying that his attacks on Jews—which include wanting to blow Israel into the next dimension, as well as vehement Holocaust denial—could be over-compensating. Two more important questions then arise: what kind of car does he drive, and how big is his dick? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. So now that Ahmadinejad has his own birthers—ironically, The Jews—he's gotta come up with something to distract the public from figuring out why he's so goddamn good with money. Adonai-damnit, he's got nuclear capabilities. Go figure. The New York Times reported today that senior staff members at the UN have, after vetting a report by the official (and official sounding) International Atomic Energy Agency, figured out that Iran is well on their way to making us all green...with radiation. In recent interviews, a senior European official familiar with the contents of the full report described it to The New York Times. He confirmed that Mr. Albright's excerpts were authentic. The excerpts were drawn from a 67-page version of the report written earlier this year and since revised and lengthened, the official said; its main conclusions remain unchanged. "This is a running summary of where we are," the official said. "But there is some loose language," he added, and it was "not ready for publication as an official document." Most dramatically, the report says the agency "assesses that Iran has sufficient information to be able to design and produce a workable implosion nuclear device" based on highly enriched uranium. Also interesting: Iran picked up this information via the Black market (where else?)... MORE >>
Real Houswives of Atlanta Ex-Fiance Killed in Club Fight
Maybe it's true, maybe not, but it certainly seems like the amount of tragedy tied to reality television productions gets disproportionately larger each year. The ex-fiance of Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss, A.J. Jewell, was killed last night. Ashley (A.J.) Jewell was at the strip club he was the co-owner of in Atlanta—the Body Tap Club—when he got into a fight outside in the parking lot with Body Tap employee Fredrick Richardson. Jewell was a fixture on the show for a few episodes. The Body Tap Club was already popular with celebrities and became even more so after Jewell's appearance on the show. The fight was just the two of them and nobody else. Jewell suffered massive head injuries from the fight and died at Piedmont Hospital later that night. Voluntary manslaughter charges have been brought up against Richardson, and he'll be charged once he's released from his stay at a separate hospital, where he was brought in from injuries resulting from the fight. Every newspaper report has included this, so, here: It's a senseless act of random, arbitrary violence. These tragedies happen, one's no better or worse than any other. But you have to wonder: in the wake of Ryan Alexander Jenkins' murder-suicide, even back to Richard Hatch's tax evasion charges, and all of the other crimes that've fallen between, is it wrong to ask if we're able to implicate reality TV as being some kind of accessory to these crimes? Even to the slightest degree? Reality TV manifests ego and hubris; a sense of power, however limited, can be a bad thing in pretty much any scenario. Then again, more likely than not, it's just what it is: a senseless celebrity death. Questions, though. They happen. MORE >>
The New Hipster Folk Hero: Danielle Bremner, Grafitti Bombette Babe
Confirmed: last night's episode of Law and Order was indeed the Hipster Grifter-inspired story. Footage coming soon, but while Keri Ferril's still incarcerated, we need a new hipster folk hero in her stead. Meet the Zooey Deschanel-esque taggette Danielle Bremner. Bremner, a 27 year-old FIT student, has quite a bit of history with two men. One, her Clyde Barnes-esque partner in crime, Jim Clay Harper, Bremner's 23 year-old boyfriend (She likes younger dudes! So you're saying I have a chance..). The other, Johnny Law: She was busted last August after her parents tipped her off to a search warrant being executed on their Queens homestead, and she went on the lam to Europe for a few months. They tagged in a bunch of cities over there, came back, and in arriving in their opposite respective home cities going through customs (her in Chicago, he in New York), got nabbed: Harper, a Chicago native, was pinched at JFK Airport, while New Yorker Bremner was picked up at O'Hare International. Police sources told The Post that a search warrant was executed at Bremner's apartment earlier this summer, prompting her family to tip off the accused Bonnie and Clyde of graffiti as they were tagging trains across Europe. Harper and Bremner intended to throw off authorities by arriving in their opposite cities of residence, sources said. Then in April, Bremner turned herself in on charges from New York. She had to serve six months of hard time on Rikers. Now, she's going back to prison, serving jail time for her pretty paintings in Boston. She's also banned from Boston: Jake Wark, a spokesman for Suffolk County District Attorney Daniel F. Conley. Bremner, who signs her work "Utah," was ordered to complete five years of supervised probation, take part in any treatment deemed necessary from a mental health evaluation and pay restitution to be determined at December court hearing, Wark said. She was also ordered to stay away from Boston during her probation period, which will be supervised by New York authorities. That's a punishment? Also, note the fact that her tag—which I'm told by those who know better: puts plenty of the boys to shame—is UTAH, right? Where is Keri Ferrell, the Hipster Grifter incarcerated? UTAH. Exactly. Meantime, just look at her: a fashion student! Loves to paint! 27, cute indie-girl bangs that she probably has to blow away from her face above her forehead. She's where Domino and Vice meet in the middle. How cute is she? So cute, that she called jail "a ghetto sleepaway camp": She even kvetched about the food on Rikers because she was a vegan, and threatened to sue until they hooked it up with soy milk and peanut butter. Over instant message, CLAW tells us it took a lawsuit-threatening letter before "they finally got her soy milk and peanut butter." The other option is finding a chaplain, like Rabbi Leib Glanz, to illegally hook up Goodfellas-style prison feasts. Word! Hollywood's waiting on this one; it's not ubiquitous... MORE >>
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