Americana That Barack Obama Has Made Un-American
Even though he didn't deserve it, it's still awesome that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, right? No, it's not. It used to be, but now that Barack Obama has done it, it's un-American. It's been getting kind of confusing keeping track of what's truly American anymore, so we came up with a handy list of things that are socialist and foreign because Barack Obama has soiled them, by doing them. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize Used to be a win for America back when Henry Kissinger won it. Now it's a sign of a "weakened, neutered U.S.," unless John McCain had won it, which he should have, in which case it would have been awesome. Puppies Bo is a ringer, a fake rescue dog who was personally raised by Ted Kennedy for the Obamas and the press won't look into it because they're too busy writing about how cute he is. And he's Portuguese! Classrooms That's where kids get indoctrinated. Keep them away. Community Organizing What sort of person helps other people? Doctors They're all socialists now, since some of them met with Obama at the White House, and people took photos. Farming Michelle Obama started a vegetable garden on the White House lawn, but it's fake and how dare she? Chicago, Ill. Obama lived there, so it can't be in America, and therefore it's not un-American to celebrate the fact that it lost its Olympic bid, since it's Chicago that lost, not America. Fuck you, Chicago. Hawaii He lived there, too, which is why 6% of Americans now consider it part of un-America. Beer He had one with that awesome cop and some black Harvard guy, ruining it for the rest of us. Smoking He never quit, and so is a liar, and probably smokes Gauloises. Checking Out Asses Would a real American ever glance at a lady's ass, like Obama did? In Italy!? No, he would never do that. Loving Your Wife Obama took Michelle on a date to New York City in May to see a play, prompting the RNC to ask, "If President Obama wants to go to the theater, isn't the Presidential box at the Kennedy Center good enough?" We're still waiting for an answer, Mr. President. Basketball He replaced the White House bowling alley—which can be used to play a white-people game—with a basketball court. Didn't O.J. Simpson or someone play basketball? And he goes to games, instead of fixing America, constantly. Baseball He throws like a girl. A European girl. MORE >>
Day 2: Conditions the Same But Looking Brighter
We're no closer to knowing just how naked Levi Johnston will be in Playgirl than we were yesterday, but both sides are getting closer to finalizing the details and signing a contract. The shoot should take place in early November. Daniel Nardicio, a spokesman for Playgirl, said that both sides agreed to do the shoot the weekend of November 6 here in New York. The online publication hopes that Levi will be posing all day on Saturday while also getting in some promotional appearances while he's in town. Also, Playgirl is thinking about reviving the print edition for a Levi special. If the shoot takes place on the arranged date the images will hit the web a few weeks later, and the print magazine—with additional images—a few weeks after that. So far just how naked he is going to get still isn't part of the contract, which should be signed in the next few days. Tank Jones, Levi's svengali, told us that he didn't have any additional details about the shoot and that they're still trying to nail down the date. He said he was talking to the Playgirl camp later this afternoon and will have more details after the meeting. Well, Tank, we want to know everything! Now! If you can successfully broker this deal, you deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. It doesn't take much these days. In other Levi Johnston news, Bravo honcho Andy Cohen, who started all this mess on his masturbatory talk show, has changed his position on the matter for the second time. Last night on Watch What Happens Live, Cohen hand his "Mazel of the Week" to the viewer Steve, who wrote in the question about whether or not Levi would pose nude in the first place. Levi famously said yes, and the whole thing began. Now Cohen is celebrating the dirty pictures with Playgirl because it started on his show. He also says his show is contributing to culture (full clip below) and asks Anderson Cooper what he is doing. Well, he's probably getting all worked up at the thought of a naked Levi photo shoot. Anyway, what happened to warning the kid against doing porn? Is being naked in Playgirl not porn because it's "tasteful?" God, Andy, get your story straight. PS—Thanks. We never could have done it without you. MORE >>
Project Runway: Oktoberfest on the Aisle of Despair
Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make something old into something new. The delusion that the concept is not borrowed and blue. The vision to dress like Cher, the delusion—well, that's a delusion. Yes, we have a bunch of divorced brides on last night, and they wanted to turn their wedding dresses into something new and fashionable for a "new chapter" in their lives. Except some of the ladies were divorced more than a decade, so this outfit is more like the fourth book an author churns out to follow up on a successful trilogy 10 years after it was completed because he needs the money to pay his child support bills. Each of the designers got saddled with a "client" who got input into what they should make and they had a limited budget and limited amount of fabric, so they had to rely on the all dressed in white these ladies marched down the aisle to meet their ill-fated grooms. Not a bad challenge, but we saw it before with fat brides who wanted a skinny outfit, and we liked it better then, because getting skinny is always a better cause for new couture than being single. And of course, having to listen to clients, especially in a wedding-related challenge is always a killer for some weak-willed designer who won't stand on their own. What We Hated: Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine: We never thought we'd say this, Nina, but we hate you. We hate your blithe disregard for not showing up to do your job. Yes, being on Runway is your real job. The only reason Marie Claire hired you was so that they could get their ass on the show and hopefully get some of that mojo that Elle acquired by placing itself in the center of every silly reality contest on the globe. That's right, NGFDMCM was absent again this week. The last time she was a judge was at the last Salem witch trial in 1692. And when you're gone, we're saddled with Second Assistant Headmistress Zanna Roberts, who we don't like, mostly because she's not you. It's time to wake up and go to work, Nina. Nicolas: Who is the most vile, untalented, lucky, and annoying person on this season? The answer is Fat Kurt Cobain. We will also accept Adult Chucky for partial credit. This week he even made an admittedly ugly outfit, and he gets away with impunity. Even when he won in the movie challenge, he robbed the victory from Christopher and Epperson. And then he talks shit about everyone else and has really bad hair. We hate him. And not in a fun way like we hate Santino and Kenley. In a bad way, like we hate Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts and Lifetime. Listening to the Client: Contestants on Runway that listen to the client are as stupid as the castaways on Survivor who don't learn how to make a fire before being stranded on a desert island. They are easy things to learn, and both will get you booted off the show something quick. So, for all future Runway contestants, I'm going to spell it out now: never listen to the client, dumbass. They are... MORE >>
Any Data You Give to Google Can and Will Be Used Against You
The uber-geeks who run Google don't seem like to think about the messy world of law and politics. But it can't be avoided. The latest example: A Bear Stearns manager done in by a GMail account he thought was closed. Matthew Tannin may have shut down his account, but Google keeps backups, and the company provided government prosecutors with "a CD-ROM disk... of Mr. Tannin's emails from November 20, 2006 through August 12, 2007," according to the New York Times. The prosecutors are trying to prove fraud in the collapse of two hedge funds, managed in part by Tannin, and have been helped along by his personal emails, one of which reads "a wave of fear set over me that the fund couldn't be run the way that I was 'hoping'... And that it was going to subject investors to 'blow up risk'." Meanwhile, online tricksters reportedly protested Google's outing of the once-anonymous "Skankblogger," Rosemary Port. Lawyers have called Google "cowardly" for not fighting harder to protect Port's anonymity in a case brought by a woman targeted by Port's anonymous blog on Google's Blogger.com. Google takes pride in its ability to retain data; Sergey Brin has an op-ed in the New York Times today holding Google servers up as more durable than the ancient Library at Alexandria. Meanwhile, every police department and district attorney's office in the country knows they can extract valuable data from the company. Google has little motive to fight much against these authorities. Not when it could be solving sexier geek problems like indexing books or launching real-time collaboration systems — and when it could potentially be minting billions on its next tech hit. (Image via) MORE >>
Barack Obama Accepts Nobel Peace Prize As 'Call to Action'
Barack Obama knows that the Nobel Peace Prize is as often given as encouragement as it is for accomplishment. So he starts off humble, says he'll accept the award, and moves on to his international relations to-do list. He actually started off with a joke. The joke fell flat. Then: "both surprised, and deeply humbled." And "let me be clear": drink! Obama feels he doesn't deserve to be in the company of the past winners of this amazing prize. Like: Historical war pig Teddy Roosevelt! The vile Woodrow Wilson! And, hell, Kissinger! But he understands that he got the prize because the Scandahoovians hope he'll try diplomacy a little more often than his predecessor. And, though maybe this is giving them too much credit, they might hope the prize will discourage him from expanding the war in Afghanistan without a coherent plan for withdrawal. For the most part, Obama was hoping to stop the prize from driving the news over the weekend, while we are all supposed to be focusing on how the Baucus bill will reduce the deficit and not still worrying about Obama's MASSIVE EGO and how much the Europeans love or hate him. (It will be amusing to watch the Drudge-followers careen from "Europeans humble Obama" to "Europeans want to kiss him so much," though. For a minute.) And so much for that. MORE >>
Polanski-Loving Pol Defends Paying for "Sex with Boys"
One of Roman Polanski's supporters, French cultural minister Frédéric Mitterrand, admitted in 2005 to paying for sex with youthful "boys." But now people are outraged, so he's making a spectacular attempt to change his story. It's not terribly convincing. In his 2005 autobiography, The Bad Life, Mitterrand writes of his misadventures in Thailand, where he gave into his desires and "got into the habit of paying for boys," something he called an "abominable spectacle." From his book: All the rituals of this market of youths, this slave market, excite me enormously. The light is bad, the music gets on your nerves, the shows sinister. But it pleases me beyond reason. The profusion of attractive and immediately available boys puts me into a state of desire that I no longer need to hide or check. Money and sex, I am at the heart of my system. The French and its powerbrokers never seemed that perturbed by Mitterrand's book. In fact, President Sarkozy invited him into the Cabinet just this June. But then Mitterand went and defended Polanski, whose arrest he described as "absolutely horrifying," and now people are fighting mad. Everyone from Socialists to the right-wing National Front are calling for his head. Socialist party spokesman Benoit Hamon even went so far to say he was "violently shocked." Mitterand originally attempted a nonchalant response to all justifiable hand-wringing, but, sensing that the calls for resignations would only grow, appeared on television last night to backpedal in the most spectacular way. First, he insisted that his autobiographical book's neither novel, nor memoir, but "a way to tell a life story that resembles mine a lot." Um, okay. As for the "young boys" over which he salivated, Mitterand has a - um — novel explanation for that, too: he was being colloquial and always calls men "boys" and if you don't believe him, you're a homophobe, or something: Yes, I had [sexual] relations with young men, but one cannot confuse pedophilia with homosexuality. Oh, don't worry, we won't. We will, however, express our mystification over your ability to parse what appears to be a damning confession into literary device. We'll also wonder why you called the trysts "mistakes, but not a crime" when you've described the point of your book as ""was to not lie and, above all, not to lie to myself." Honorable mention to Sarkozy's party, whose spokesman tried to chalk the fervor up to pure politics: "The Socialists are now on the same ground as the extreme right, it's incredible. One is not obliged to use private life for political ends." MORE >>
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