Barack Obama Is Lying to You About His Puppy
We smelled a story when we read that Bo's favorite food is tomatoes, but we had no idea how deep it went. Not long after we started sniffing it out the whole tissue of lies unraveled. According to the official White House portrait/baseball card of Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog's favorite food is "tomatoes – or toys." Something was off. Tomatoes? Really? Isn't there something about dogs and tomatoes? So we took to the internet, and sure enough—they're poison! Tomatoes and even raw tomatoes contain a chemical called glycoalkaloid solanine, which is very poisonous to animals. You may find this strange since humans eat tomatoes all the time and they are considered very healthy food. However, they should not be fed to animals because can cause them digestive problems. Shocked as we were to learn that the mild-mannered Obamas, this portrait of a happy, well-adjusted family, are slowly killing their own pet, we kept our cool. We know better than most that you shouldn't trust what you read on the internet. So we rang up Tony Knight, a professor at Colorado State University's College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences. And what he told us made our blood run cold. "Tomatoes belong to the same family as nightshade," he said. "Mother nature didn't design dogs to eat them. One or two tomatoes is not going to do anything to a large-sized dog, but no—they're not a good food. The glycoalkaloids could cause colic and bloating—they stop the activity of the intestinal tract." There could be no longer be any doubt. Bo's life was in danger. We had to warn him! But how? First, we needed to call the White House. Maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe they just didn't know the toll those tomatoes were taking on the poor beast. And that's when the bottom fell out. "Bo does not eat tomatoes," a spokeswoman for the First Lady told us. What? But the baseball card—you said... it clearly states that... how can he not eat tomatoes when you said his favorite food is tomatoes!? What kind of Kafka-esque nightmare were we in? War is Peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Eating Tomatoes is Not Eating Tomatoes. It was all a joke, they say. When Bo first came to the White House, back in April, Obama ad-libbed a little zinger to the press: "The only concern we have is apparently Portuguese water dogs like tomatoes—Michelle's garden is in danger," he said. So when the White House ginned up its latest propaganda campaign to foist Bo on the American people just like they're doing with Communism, they inserted a little joke in there—"Favorite food: tomatoes—or toys"—for the greater glory of the Anointed One, to remind us all how funny he is. So Bo does not eat tomatoes. Never has. Never will. And that's the story of how we spent an hour-and-a-half trying to get a goddamn veterinary expert on the phone because of a grand and diabolical lie told by your government. Now we know exactly what it's like to be Iranian. MORE >>
Peter Getty: Costumed Layabout Scion
Peter Getty's breezy, self-pitying musings on being idle righ infuriated fellow San Franciscans and, indeed, people across the country. Who is this heir, and why does he find copious wealth so unpalatable? Here's a quick rundown. Age: Next month Peter turns 42. Source of wealth: Oil business started by his grandfather, J. Paul Getty, and sold to Texaco by his father, the composer Gordon Getty, who is worth around $2.5 billion. Occupation: Outside of blogging for SFGate, has described himself as a playwright, advertising copywriter and actor. Was in a rock band; started one now-defunct record company and talked about starting another, though that effort apparently fizzled. Upon the debut of one opera he wrote, in 1985, the San Francisco Chronicle wrote, "If you or I had written this, it wouldn't have gone beyond the living room." Also authored an anonymous music blog, available here. Wife Jacqui, defacto Coppola: Jacqui de La Fontaine was pregnant with Francis Ford Coppola's granddaughter when her boyfriend Gian-Carlo "Gio" Coppola was killed in a boating accident. Francis looked after the widow and daughter Gian-Carla ("Gia"), later walking Jacqui down the aisle during her 2000 wedding to Getty. Jacqui has worked as a stylist at Harper's Bazaar, and as a costume stylist for music videos (Bob Dylan, Beastie Boys, Faith Hill) and movies. This background no doubt influenced her Bazaar photo shoot; in the attached picture she's on the left with Gia in the middle. Best friends with British opposition leader: According to a 2005 Mail on Sunday story, Peter was close with David Cameron in Heatherdown, a British prep school. A former instructor said Peter Getty was "one of Cameron's best friends at school." The story added: "During the summer of 1977, Getty's family invited Cameron and four other boys at the school to fly to America on Concorde for a threeweek holiday including seven days at the Getty family mansion in Pacific Heights in San Francisco." How fun! 'Nexus of hipster Hollywood:' A 2004 Bazaar profile called Jacqui the "nexus of hipster Hollywood" and said the couple's nondescript home at the top of the Hollywood Hills, along with a Malibu home rented each summer, form a "crash pad" for their celebrity and artist friends to mix "in a freestyle, nonconventional form." The couple also throw a popular Halloween party. Celebrity pals: The couple's friends include: "Close pal" Demi Moore, who met Jacqui in a Kentucky antiques store in 1988. Ashton Kutcher.Jason Schwartzman, who probably knows the couple since he's Francis Ford Coppola's nephew, partied with the couple right after their marriage and attended his 40th birthday party five years later.Actress Heather Graham also attended Peter's 40th birthday party.The various Coppolas, obviously. His rock band: Virgin-Whore Complex, whose 1996 release "Stay Away from My Mother" was in the mold of English new-wave band XTC. Spin magazine did the release party. The band reportedly refused to... MORE >>
World's Worst Artist, Jesus Team Up For Scam
Thomas "Painter of Darkness" Kinkade, the world's single most objectionable mass-producer of wall-hangings for middle American Baptists, is not just a terrible offender against aesthetics—he's also a crook! An appeals court has awarded $2.1 million to two gallery owners who say they were duped into selling Kinkade's schlock, then double-crossed by the Godly master himself in a scheme designed to let Kinkade buy out his own company at a low price: In its February 2006 decision, the arbitration panel said Kinkade and other company officials used terms like "partner," "trust," "Christian" and "God" to create "a certain religious environment designed to instill a special relationship of trust" with the couple. What the company didn't tell them, said their attorney, was that they would have to sell Kinkade's works at minimum retail prices while the artist undercut them with discount sales, some of which he made himself on cable television. It was part of a plan, they claimed, to lower the value of the publicly traded company before Kinkade bought it in 2004, at steep losses to many investors. Ruining the living rooms of half of the grandparents' houses in the Midwest wasn't enough for you, you monster? [SF Chronicle via Unbeige] MORE >>
The Leighton Meester Sex Tape You've All Been Waiting For
Someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester boning an ex-boyfriend, Robert Pattinson gets hit by a cab, Jennifer Garner tries to breakup Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith, Susan Boyle goes bonkers again and Beyonce screws over a club owner. TMZ is reporting that someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester and her ex-boyfriend having sex. The tape is supposedly a few years old but features Leighton showing off her "very talented feet." Let your imagination run with that one! [TMZ] Poor Robert Pattinson was just trying to shop for some books at The Strand when he was being harassed by those pesky teenage girls who were trying to sex him right there in the store, so he ran away into the street and got clipped by a cab. What a punk. [NY Post] Jennifer Garner obviously thinks that Kevin Smith is a fat, vulgar slob, according to Kevin Smith, and she is doing everything she can to destroy the man-love that exists between Smith and her husband, Ben Affleck. [Daily News] When Brian WIlliams leaves the news desk to broadcast from the newsroom, producers run all the fatties out and bring in the good-looking interns to pretty up the place. [Page Six] Susan Boyle has been dumped from the Britain's Got Talent tour after she launched into a bizarre rant about her beloved cat, Pebbles. [Daily Mail] Beyonce has pissed off some Chelsea club owner because she had agreed to make an appearance at the club's opening for $100,000 but backed out at the last minute. What's a $100,000 these days anyway? [Page Six] Britney Spears is still terrorizing England. The other night she was playing a show in Manchester when she became confused about where she was and yelled out, "what's up London?!" This didn't go over well with the Brits, who are sensitive to these kinds of things. [Sun] Kristen Bell is looking all hot in these pictures of her running around on the beach in Hawaii, but then there's a picture of her playing around in the water with her boyfriend, Dax Shepard, and that just kills all fantasies completely. [Daily Mail] Christiano Ronaldo brought three girls back to hotel, not for a foursome or anything like that mind you, but for Pepsi and checkers and an episode of Fawlty Towers or something, because that's what European soccer stars do. [Sun] MORE >>
Danny DeVito Addresses His Proclivity for Public Drunkenness
Danny DeVito was a guest on Letterman's show last night and Letterman took the opportunity to ask DeVito about his most recent episode of public drunkenness. DeVito claimed that his slobbering interview with a Philadelphia newswoman on a morning show was all an act, that he was "in character" playing the pathetic slob her portrays on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Whatever, whether he was really drunk or not, we still want to go out and drink limoncellos all night long with Danny DeVito. MORE >>
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